Your Ugly Has Beauty, Too (Forgiveness)

Forgive me, y'all. This one might be a lil long today.

Ugly truths are hard to confront and mirrors weren't made to just reflect outer beauty but to show the uglier sides of us too. I want to be honest with you guys right now.

Last summer, I found myself in a real funk. This was a few months after I had done my When Hearts Align Concert which, by the way, I had already felt like I failed at it. Add on some other factors like being a stay at home mom (which is a job within itself), a wife, not having any real quality time with my husband, especially the physical part of it, my best friend coming to stay with us for a while (although she was a tremendous help for us), not having any money (and I don't mean joint account money. I mean my own, actually working for it so that I can spend it how I want to, money), feeling a little lost and not sure of myself, constant negative reminders of being a failure (That's what I told myself. I know it's not true), it played on my heart and mind real bad. A lot of negative energy was floating through my house, I can admit. Three crazy, stressed out adults and a toddler under one roof, yea, that was a lot in and of itself. I've never really been the person that's ready and willing to talk out my feelings, so I bottle them up and hope for the best. NOT A GOOD IDEA, FOLKS. NOT A GOOD IDEA. And it's hard trying to keep yourself together when your inner world is ready to explode and go off on every living thing around you. So in short, I felt myself becoming depressed. I started to resent myself and my husband, my life, my role as a mother. I resented my slow progression with my gifts. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't farther than I should've been in my career choices. The voices of "you need to, you ought to be, when are you," came crashing in at once. I was annoyed. I was mad at everything. I wanted to escape my realities. It was like invisible monkey wrenches were being tossed into my engine of "perfection" and I felt so out of control. Bad thoughts plagued me. Emotional wounds were making rounds again. I was questioning my marriage. I was questioning my purpose. I was questioning a lot of things, but nobody would've ever known cause I saved face. I played strong in the face of those who looked up to me. I didn't allow myself to be real for many reasons.

You know, back in July, Girls Trip came out. I went to go see that with my girls. And as I was watching the movie, I found myself in 3 out of the 4 characters, but most of all, the character that Regina Hall played--Ryan--The well put together, got everything under control, life is good, girl. And while I haven't experienced the cheating husband part (I WISH HE WOULD...I WILL KILL YOU CHEVON!!!), still her mindset, actions and the nonchalant attitude was very identical to mine. It's easy to pretend out of fear that if you let it all out, you're weak, you're not inspiring, you're a joke and nobody is gonna trust you to help them with their own issues. Weird, I know. (I like being counselor, but who counsels the counselor?) Maybe I just never felt like I was safe to share my issues with anyone. Not sure why, but any who, I'm not saying life was bad, it was just how my little obnoxious brain perceived it at the time. The good news though was that I caught myself before it had gotten too deep. It happened around the time I was writing Guide Me Home (I swear that book has saved me in so many ways) and I was listening to a song by Funbi, a Nigerian RnB artist. The name of the song is Hallelujah. If you ever get the chance, please listen to it.  He starts off with this:

"I was lost inside the desert, Vultures circling round my head but thanks to God now, I made it out of there. I was just another sheep inside the belly of the beast but thanks to God now, I made it out of there. This ain't lucky no. Can't you see the hand of heaven is upon me. This ain't lottery no. This is forty days and forty nights. Seek and ye shall find."

I broke down crying because I felt like it was talking to me. I felt lost. I felt hopeless. I didn't like myself. I didn't love myself. I was always calculated and careful. I was trying to be "good" and be polished and trying to hold myself together for the sake of trying not to hurt anyone feelings or be cast as mean, or simply believing that emotionally, I was ok, not realizing I was doing nothing but hurting myself and shutting out my own voice from being heard. I was trapped inside that beast. I was wandering in an emotional and spiritual desert of loneliness and I needed saving. So when the song got a hold of me, it was as if those burdens had been lifted almost instantly. I became free. That night, I had a real worship encounter with the Lord, just thanking him for saving me from that place and repeatedly apologizing for my selfishness and attitudes and negative behaviors. I knew I had to do something about this feeling and overtime, He showed me myself and showed me who He was in the midst of it.

Maybe a few weeks later, I decided to get to know myself but the thing was, I couldn't do that without forgiving myself first for all the things I had done to me. So I wrote this letter of forgiveness as my starting point for this self-discovery journey. I was forced to be honest and face my inner critic and listen to what she had to say to me.

What she said is very personal. Very raw and real. It's as transparent as it can get. God needed me to shine the light on those dark and ugly places that were hidden in order to deal and heal. Looking at it now, I can see the manifestation of my forgiveness today, as I am a lot more happier with who I am becoming. I'm much more easier on myself. I'm learning to embrace all of my feelings, even if it doesn't feel good because it's not a crime to do so. I'm human. I have them. I don't worry so much about how my gifts will be used, just as long as i'm using them. And I now know it's ok to be upset with my kid and often times to not like my husband too. LOL I am learning to accept every part of me--every failure, every triumph, every good and bad thing that makes me, me because it's all working for my good. All of those things that I had kept bottled up, you'll see why I did in the letter. The truth can be ugly indeed, however when we face it, it also shows us our beauty.

So here it is.

Enjoy!


Dear Me,

Let me first tell you that I love you and I need to apologize to you. For years, I have placed unreasonable expectations on you that you didn't ask for, not knowing that at the time you didn't have the capacity yet to fulfill them. I apologize.

I apologize for every time I was mean to you, called you out of your name, treated you like a slave when you were overworked and uncertain due to my own perfectionism which stems from a lot of different insecurities. I apologize that I never gave you a break and never saw true greatness in you, never saw you with the eyes of God and never loved you the way you needed to be loved. I apologize for never showing you compassion and mercy. It's probably what you needed most. I apologize that I tried to convince you that you were alright when deep down you were hurting, depressed, overwhelmed and filled with anxiety. I am sorry that I didn't allow you to be as open as you should've been, making you afraid that people will look at you differently and start treating you a certain way. It's because of my own subconscious perceptions that were placed on me by a society who considers transparency and sensitivity a "weakness." And because of that, at times, it stalled you from saying and feeling what was your truths. You tried to become THAT person out of fear, but it's not you. And I also want to let you know it's ok to cry when you need to cry. Crying is a strength. A beautiful and powerful strength.

I'm sorry for all the times I've been unlovable which in turn created a hostile environment for you and your husband, forcing you both behind battle walls. I take ownership of that. I was only doing what I saw in times past. I apologize that I never told you that I loved you and actually meant it. I don't really think I knew what self-love was. I apologize that I did so many things to you, causing damage that could have been avoided, but I'm learning and I want to do better by you. I apologize for the laziness and procrastination when you so desperately wanted to be great. If I could give you time back, I would and I would get it right. However, what I do have for you is an open heart, an open mind and a changing attitude awaiting you, ready for a positive redo, this time allowing God at the center of you. I no longer want to take the reigns of your life, as you see, I have gotten you nowhere. I can't undo the mental and emotional damage but I know you know a God that can. So because I love you enough to want better for you, I simply ask that you let me go--all of the past hurt, pain, stipulations, unreasonable expectations and the disappointments, the pride and ego, and allow God to do a marvelous work in you. You deserve greatness. You deserve love, you deserve peace and joy. You deserve happiness. You deserve to love who you are in all of your beauty and brokenness. You deserve to live a life that God has ordained for you without any hiccups and hold backs such as me. I ask that you just simply surrender your whole being to Him. He won't do you wrong. If I never told you before, Ana, i'm telling you now that you are absolutely amazing, fearfully and wonderfully made. Made exactly in his image. You are powerful and full of life. You are great because he is Great. Just because you went through the mud with me doesn't mean you will forever be there. God's plan for you is beyond your imagination and the sooner you let me go, the sooner you will be able to experience all of his goodness that he has for you. The only thing I want you to apologize to me for is believing the lies I told you and not challenging me. I want you to apologize to me for not walking confidently in yourself. You allowed all of this negative behavior to incubate in your spirit for so long. No more. Please forgive me for my messed up ways. I had no idea I was causing you great pain. Continue to pray for me and speak life into me so that one day I will catch on and be able to do the same for others.

Anyway, I love you Ana Marie. I love you more than you know. Now go out and be great. You are awesome, girl.

With God's love,
ME


You wanna know what you really look like? Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings about yourself. Pay attention to how you respond in certain situations and circumstances. If you've found yourself in my reflection, understand you aren't alone and you don't have to hide or wear a mask. I don't know why we fear being real, especially with those who love us. Nevertheless, there is strength and redemption in apologizing to yourself and meaning it. Reconcile yourself. Don't know how? Just start by saying, "I'm sorry." It'll flow after that.

Until next time.

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