Silence Means To Listen

You guys, I've been struggling to figure out what to write over the last week. I postponed yesterday because the blog I WAS going to post just wasn't sitting right with me. Today, I still don't even know where i'm going with it. Perhaps nothing major really even needs to be said. I haven't had much on my mind as of late which is unusual. I don't think it's a bad thing, it's just something that I had to pay attention to and accept. That's a part of self-discovery and self-acceptance too.

I think if anything, what I'd like to relay to you all today is we all go through moments of silence and it doesn't necessarily mean that something is wrong. I think it ultimately means that God wants us to just listen for once. So i'm listening.

What have I been listening to? The real person inside of me trying to grow through the concrete walls of my soul like that little rose that sprouts through the cracks of concrete sidewalks. First things first, I'm an emotional and passionate person. I kinda new that but I feel like it's on a whole new level now. I've been having major feelings of love towards people (not in a romanticized way) but just simply loving them. I'm falling in love with the beauty of people and what makes us all different. Maybe it's the healer/empath in me. Maybe it's just simply the God in me. Who knows. It's very hard to explain. 

I'm falling in love with myself more too, maybe that's why I'm liking people more. I've been asking myself this question a lot.  "What makes me happy?" and the answer is ME. I make me happy. I really do. Everything and everyone else is an added bonus. For example, I love how I can make myself laugh. I love how I dance through the house. I love how I joke around with my husband and friends and family. I love my odd sense of humor. I'm happy with the fact that I don't have to run with the crowd in order to like myself. I don't have to do what everyone else does and it's so freeing because when I look at it, it's like OOOO I'm a rebel.

Like I see so many people do so much of the same thing that it's hard to distinguish who is really who and I just don't have a desire to be apart of that. I hope that made sense. I'm happy with me as I am. I'm happy with my growth. I'm happy with my life. Yea, grant it, there are some things that could still change but i'll meet those things when I cross that road. But right now, I'M GOOD. I'm blessed. As I type this, i'm getting a little teary eyed cause I have never been in this place in my life, EVER. This actually does feel good. And you know what else? I love inspirational Rap. I've never been a big rap music listener, however, there's a particular artist that has caught my attention and I can't get enough of him.

LeCrae.

If you don't know who he is, look him up. His music is phenomenal. He makes me want to twerk for the Lord. Could you imagine me twerking up on the stairway to heaven? I can see God saying, "Peter, please get that girl off the escalator."

I've also learned that I think I actually do like talking to people, however, there are still some barriers I need to break through--like actually talking to them in person. LOL But no really, I love good conversation. I love funny, light hearted and even deep, meaningful conversation. It fills me up. Gives me that umph I need and gets my cranial gears rolling.

I also have never really been a touchy feely person, but again, habits are breaking thanks to a young lady friend of mine. What she doesn't know that she's teaching me is that sometimes we have to get uncomfortable in order to get comfortable with who we really are, and that means for me, connectedness in the physical sense.

You know what else? I realized that I had been wearing a mask in my earlier years--trying to appease the ideology of others perceptions about me and trying to fit into their mold of what I, ANA, should be and act like. Part of that, I blame on organized religion too. So let me apologize to those who I may have hurt because of my fakeness and ignorance. I didn't know. I hope you will forgive me as I learn to forgive myself for not being strong enough in the beginning to accept myself. I was still figuring it out and I'm sure i've damaged a few of you along that path. I'm growing. I'm not who I used to pretend to be.

I'm also learning to change my perspective about friendships. Just because a friend decides not to talk to me anymore doesn't necessarily mean I did something wrong. Perhaps they're going through a season of aloneness and need that time to themselves. What I can do though is pray for them and check in every now and again. I'm not perfect with it, but i'm aware now.

I think my silence is teaching me to be aware of myself; to be aware of my changes and behaviors. Like God is saying, "Hey Ana, look. Have you noticed such and such about yourself? Look at what you're doing now versus what you used to do. Let me show you this. Don't be afraid of that. Let people see you for real."

So in a nutshell, I guess this silence is necessary for my growth in both spirit and personality. I may still not have anything to talk about next week and that's cool. We'll see when we get there, but this week, today, this is what's really on my mind at the moment and I just want y'all to know that if you're feeling like me--where it seems like you're bored or can't think of anything or you feel a little isolated from the world around you, it just may mean that God needs you silent so you can listen to what he's telling you and see what he's showing you. Yes, it may be a little uncomfortable at first, but like I said, we have to get uncomfortable in order to get more comfortable with ourselves as we are, where we are. And that means getting comfortable with being silenced for a while. You're in a perfectly good spot.

I hope you're enjoying your journey of self-acceptance as much as I am. If it's scary to you, that's ok too. I get it. It can be scary having to face yourself, but it's so worth it--the good, the bad, and the ugly. Accept it. Embrace it. LIVE. Your life depends on it.

Until next time folks.

Ana