Who Are You? (Understanding childhood emotional abandonment and neglect and it's effects into adulthood)

Emotional Traumas and its effects

Why we should really talk about Childhood emotional abuse and neglect

When I wrote Guide Me Home, I didn't plan on touching the topic of childhood traumas, like Emotional neglect and abandonment aside from physical child abuse. It just happened to come out that way. What I found even more interesting is that as I did my research on the subject, I found that there are so many people that I know personally who are in the same boat as the characters written in my book. As I crafted this story, I mixed both research and my imagination for correlation purposes and found that having experiences like these are not easily fixable, BUT, they are not impossible to overcome.  However, when this kind of abuse occurs, it leaves an unwanted handprint, like a stamp on one's psyche, creating a distorted view about themselves after the trauma has happened, so much so, that the effects have worked greatly against the victim well into adulthood, making it difficult to function normally and healthily in society.

I came across Ebonee Davis' post that says, "It just occurred to me that many people are actually afraid to heal because their entire identity is centered around the trauma they've experienced. They have no idea who they are outside of trauma and that can be terrifying." Like the folks I know, and my character, Devin, this is most definitely the case for them.

Have you ever seen the movie, Precious? There's a good visual for you.

Signs of emotional neglect and abandonment is not always easily noticeable, especially when the victim has experienced it from a young age. Eventually, it becomes their norm and shapes their view on how people are supposed to treat them. Unlike physical abuse, emotional neglect and abandonment is silent and is difficult to identify. The adverse effects of the silence means that it goes untreated, leaving victims to subconsciously fend for themselves against the stigmas of "bad behavior" or "poor choices" or "being emotionally distant" with others due to the lack of know-how. For example, what seems needy to one person,  for the victim, it is a simple cry for "I've never received the attention that I so deserved," or what seems like a constant state of "needing assurance" or being "overly sensitive" is the underlying voice of the victim passively admitting their past rejections. The cycle continues with each person they involve themselves with, often times finding themselves in a relationship with a person who has not been healed from that same trauma, attaches themselves to people who remind them of those who hurt them and try to fix them as a way of vicariously repairing their damaged past. It's like a fictional reconciliation.

I know a young lady in her late 20s who is currently going through this same cycle. A while ago, we had a conversation about her feelings; as she addressed them as "just having a moment." Ironically, these "moments" come to her all too often, resulting in feelings of depression, frustration, passive-aggressiveness, anger, sadness, etc. She couldn't understand why she always felt at war with her biological relationships and why she continuously chooses toxic relationships with men who treat her like trash. After reading her many texts, it dawned on me that she suffers GREATLY behind childhood emotional abuse, abandonment, and neglect.

If you don't know what that is, keep reading. 

Goodtherapy.org says it best. "Emotional neglect can take many forms, from a parent having unrealistically high expectations or not listening attentively, to invalidating a child’s emotional experiences to the point he or she begins to feel self-doubt. When a parent is not emotionally attuned to a child, there is no mirror held up, no positive reflection being shared with the child. Developing a positive sense of self, then, becomes more challenging for the child." 

Dr. Jonice Webb explains it this way; "Emotional neglect is, in some ways, the opposite of mistreatment and abuse. Whereas mistreatment and abuse are parental acts, Emotional neglect is a parent's failure to act. It's a failure to notice, attend to, or respond appropriately to a child's feelings. Because it's an act of omission, it's not visible, noticeable, or memorable. Emotional neglect is the white space in the family picture; the background rather than the foreground. It is insidious and overlooked while it does its silent damage."

The same thing can happen when two of the same kinds of people become romantically involved. It keeps the cycle going.

My friend voiced that she felt, "Like no one hears me, cares about me, my family is always judging me, I can't ever seem to find a guy who loves me for me. I hate that I have nothing to show for my life. I feel like something is missing and I feel so unfulfilled and empty. I'm always depressed and always worrying, etc."

Why we believe this as our identity:
She, like many others, is the poster child of this type of trauma and in many cases, makes this their identity. Usually what we've been told is what we truly believe. And in her case, she's been told that "she's not worth it." It says to us, "your thoughts and feelings do NOT matter" as children. Over time, the more that's pushed subconsciously through the mind, we see ourselves through that lens. I know you know the saying, 'Children should be neither seen nor heard.'

The results of that kind of treatment looks like this as adults, just to name a few.

•    A dread of being insignificant and lost in the shadows.

•    A fear of being a burden to others, and a need to feel useful.

•    Trying to do everything 'right' – and be a good girl/boy – and avoid any anger, aggression or conflict, and not fighting back.

•    Having a shaky sense of your own identity – and a reliance upon other people to define who you are and how you should behave.

•    Finding it hard to accept compliments without deflecting or minimalising them. 

•    Not asking for help – and not trusting that anyone would help unless there was a pay-back due to them.

•    Not relying on others – due to expecting to be let down and disappointed.

•    Showing shy behavior and avoiding eye contact or smiles...or being 'over smily' to appease others and hide what you see as your 'bad side'.

•    Blaming yourself when things don't work out as planned or desired.

•    Feeling lost and alone – and a sense of not really 'belonging' anywhere. 

•    Believing that you don't having anything interesting or relevant to share about yourself .

•    Being very self-contained and independent – squashing down emotions or vulnerability. 

•    Feeling empty and unworthy inside, in spite of any external recognition, awards or accolades .   

•    Finding it hard to believe and accept love without strings and conditions attached.

•    Having a tendency to be defensive – and expecting to have your faults and mistakes pointed out.

* Difficulty identifying or expressing feelings.

* Lack ability to empathize.

* Difficulty in trusting others.

* Highly judgmental/critical or blaming of self or others.

* Feel the need to people please.

* Frequently worry, excessive fears and dissatisfaction.

* Difficulty in asking for help or support.

* Self-directed anger and anger at others.

* Feeling like a fraud, hiding behind a mask or feeling disconnected from self.

* Perfectionism with acute sensitivity to feelings of failure.

* Sensitivity to feelings of rejection.

* Viewed by others as being distant, aloof and arrogant.

* Pervasive feelings or emptiness, unhappiness or lack of joy.

Does this look or feel familiar to you? How many times have you found yourself asking, "What's wrong with me? Why don't I ever feel good about myself? Why do I do the things that I do? Why do I feel invisible? How come I always feel insecure or worry about how I may sound to others? What is this emptiness that never leaves? I'm always on guard. I can't look people in the eye when I talk to them because it makes me uncomfortable," and so on and so forth. Pay attention to these signs.

The effects of this kind of abuse adversely becomes damaging, if not confronted early on. 

The great news though, is that there is a brighter future for those who have experienced emotional neglect. In order to heal, it takes a special kind of person, a special kind of therapy and a self-actualization (a-ha moment) to be able to overcome. To start, admit to your emotions, admit to the pain you suffered, consider your real self (not what the person said you were) and accept help from others. Seek therapy and if you have a child of your own, work on your own parenting skills. Those are just a few simple ways to begin the journey of healing. 

In my book, Guide Me Home, I do my best in creating an honest portrayal of what emotional neglect and abandonment looks like, aside from the physical abuse that Devin endured. The same for his partner, Faith, who encounters an almost similar situation as him. From dealing with Narcissistic parents, a drug addicted girlfriend, having to raise a child on his own and falling into the world of homelessness to eventually gaining a sense of himself and a sense of belonging, one lesson, one hug, one talk and one positive change at a time, he overcomes even as the journey of healing took a little while. Everything he thought he lost or missed out on as a child, he gained ten-fold when he got the courage to want to change his signs and symptoms--his identity--by allowing others to come in and help and guide him on the path toward positive self-discovery.

How we can show support of those affected.

Taking a closer look at emotional neglect and abandonment, we begin to see and understand what it looks like and how it has affected the ones we've associated ourselves with. It's important that we try not to take on their problem, but assure them that we believe them, be a listening ear, exude grace and mercy just as you would want someone to do for you, support their need to feel safe, heard and wanted (particularly in romantic relationships). Encourage theme to seek professional help and healthy coping techniques. Remember, for the person who went through it, no matter how big or small, there is nothing worse than feeling invisible or worthless and having to recognize yourself as such because of said trauma. As an overall healthy thing to do for the human race is to be a lot more kinder, compassionate and ready to help where and when we can.

If YOU have experienced unintentional or intentional (which is Devin's case) emotional trauma, I encourage you to be brave enough to confront that past and seek the required help in order for you to overcome. Take the time to look inward and ask those uncomfortable questions like the ones above. While it may be true that your childhood may have been fairly good based on what was provided, consider thinking about what didn't happen. Is the emotional stability of your childhood one of them? Think back. Remember some of the problems you faced and went to a loved one about it. What was their reaction? Were you shut down? Yelled at? Brushed off? Laughed at? etc? Were you made to feel like you didn't matter? This is how you can address and identify what was missing for you as a child. And while it may be painful to look at, in no way is this to bad mouth or make anyone a villain. This is simply to bring an awareness to how we are functioning now as adults based on what was or WASN'T given to us as children and its effects. Sometimes, people don't even realize that they've hurt someone. What you don't know, you sometimes can't even change. Remember that. 

So now I ask, WHO ARE YOU? 

We are afraid of who we could be because we've lived so long in what our trauma has said we are. Make the choice to change that today.

Guide Me Home is set to be released October 22, 2018. To Pre-Order, click the link here:

https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Me-Home-Ana-Gibson/dp/0692138897/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1537280443&sr=8-2&keywords=Guide+Me+Home&dpID=51%252B3es3BwnL&preST=_SY344_BO1,204,203,200_QL70_&dpSrc=srch