Am I Really Enough?
Calm down. Calm down. I didn't say they don't work. I said when they won't work it's because....It's hard to believe affirmations when we have yet to deal with the underlying voices that scream over top of them. Affirmations are not an easy fix to the deeply rooted insecurities that have defined how we look and feel about ourselves. I can say aloud all the positive words about myself until I turn blue in the face but truth be told, those negative voices are plaguing me, constantly reminding me that I'm Ugly or that I'm not smart or that I'm not confident. Crazy how we believe the lies before we believe the truth, Right?
But yea, affirmations are good, however, they are ineffective if not combined with deep soul searching, figuring out FIRST where those negative thoughts and feelings even came from. We've gotta ask ourselves questions. Questions like, "Why do I think I'm not attractive? Why do I feel incompetent? Why don't I believe that I deserve love?"
I know for me, especially with the physical attractiveness, I suffered for a long time, sometimes still do behind the way I look. I BELIEVED that I was not pretty or beautiful because boys would tell me that or if a really pretty girl stood beside me, we'd be compared. Can I be real for a minute here? Let me tell you my own story. I remember a time where a guy said to me (I think I was about 14 or 15 at the time) he said, "you'll really be looking like something once you turn 18." As if what I looked like at the time wasn't considered beautiful already. I remember feeling like my beauty wasn't enough. I needed to have bigger breast. I needed to have a bigger booty. I needed to have an acne free face. I needed a curvy body. I needed SOMETHING to be labeled pretty or beautiful in their sight. I didn't get the "hot" guys because guess what, I wasn't one of the "hot girls." And any attention I did get, even if it wasn't good, I'd run with it because I just wanted to be liked and I wanted to be considered beautiful. Growing up, we all go through that awkward, funny looking stage, some of us more than others. Count me in that category. I was a light-skinned, bucked tooth, flat chested, nappy headed, skinny girl. No shape whatsoever. And I was reminded of that all the time. So imagine how I really felt as a little girl, as a teenager, as a young woman? Even when it's a joke, subconsciously it sticks because someone or something has already pointed it out to you and the joke kind of confirms that.
I don't ever remember being called pretty or beautiful as a child either, not unless it was coming from my mother. But moms are supposed to say that, right? I had a friend who was a lot more physically mature than I was and she made it her business to let it be known. Everywhere we went, guess what??? Yep, dudes were flocking to her while I, skinny ol Ana with the flat chest, big teeth and pimpled face stood on the sidelines, uncomfortable, enviously watching her get all the attention because of her physique. Mind you, we were both 13-14 at the time. CHILDREN. WE WERE CHILDREN, DAMMIT. LOL And if the guys who spotted her were in a group with their friends, I'd end up with the lesser of them--the one who was "not as attractive" or considered "too immature." Funny how that works. Everybody thinking everybody ugly. LOL But anyway, I just knew everywhere I turned, whether it was on tv or at school or wherever, if there was a girl who had boobs, hips, no acne, was phat, had long, silky or curly hair, a nice smile or anything remotely considered "beautiful" standing beside me, she would ALWAYS be picked first and I would simply be an after thought because I didn't fit the quota. I would be super jealous of any girl who had more than what I had because like I said, they were the acceptation and I wasn't. And that's a root I had to deal with. By the time I hit adulthood, there was no way I could see myself as gorgeous by looking at an affirmation. Sure, I could say it and shout it to the heavens to make myself try and believe it but that root would still be there and it would defeat the purpose.
Now, at 30 years old, I'm learning to see myself differently. There are times I still struggle with my appearance but it's not so bad to the point where I'd avoid a mirror or stand there and just talk down on myself because I don't like what I see. I'm learning to change that because I recognize where that insecurity came from. Every now and again I do wish to have bigger boobs but hey, I've gotta deal with what I have. LOL So yea, now, even when I look a mess or try to find something I don't like about myself, I try to remember that it's really not what I think it is. I know I'm pretty now. I know i'm beautiful and I do my damnedest to believe it because it's the truth. I may not look like Beyonce. I probably don't even compare to the Regina Halls and Scarlett Johansson's and Jordin Sparks, but you know what, I am just as beautiful as they are.
So I ask you, do you have a hard time believing the positive affirmations? Why do you think negatively about yourself? Who told you that? Soon as you find the answer, THEN you can attack it with your affirmations. Now, I'm not saying it'll be easy at first. Remember, those insecurities are years worth, so it'll take time to start reprogramming your mind to think differently about yourself and that's ok. You'll get there. What's important is leaving behind what isn't you and clothing yourself confidently in who and what you really are.
Insecurities are like a bed of weeds. They'll keep growing if we don't do anything about them. So get to digging.
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*Disclaimer* I am in no way a subject matter expert in regards to anything I blog about. Such content is strictly based on experience and inspiration with key references made where appropriate. The purpose of my blogs are to simply be transparent, to inspire and to help bring a level of awareness to oneself as we journey through this thing called life.
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